CD Clinic - Dictated by Dr. James "The Champion" Johnson, PhD Disclaimer: He is not a certified physician. - Typed by Josiah "Nipples" Johnson

So, as you may have noticed, I haven't posted since last Sunday, and today is Sunday. So, what have I been doing for the last week? Well, I'll tell you. I was on a vampire-hunting expedition in Mexico City. I was riding my Harley down the freeway when I got an anonymous call. The voice was deep, obviously masked somehow. It told me, "There have been numerous vampire sightings in Mexico City, you should check it out. I know how much you enjoy hunting vampires." I punched the accelerator, shifted into 5th gear, let off, progressed into the throttle and shifted to 6th, at which point I shot the accelerator toward the ground. I was headed South at 125 mph. After a few hours of straight motorcycling, I let off and pulled into a gas station. I was going to fill the tank, but instead decided to opt for another mode of transportation toward Mexico City. I got on a bullet train and was heading to Mexico City past 300 mph. In a couple hours, I was there. The train, however, was not headed to Mexico City, it went miles further, but I was still to exit in Mexico City. We were moving at exactly 324.758 mph. That's about .09 miles every second, or 475.2 feet every second. I kicked the window out of the train when we were about a mile from the train station at Mexico City. Once we were 1425.6 feet from the station, I jumped out the window, which took me exactly 3 seconds, landing me perfectly in the station. To keep me living and from injury, I put myself into a spin in the air, the rolled in a manner that gradually slowed me down without injury. When I was slow enough to stop myself, I was about 3 miles past the station. Whoops. Still, I was in the city. I had no clue where to find the vampires, so I walked straight into a restaurant to ask around. I saw a man with two very long and sharp teeth, biting into the neck of another person and drawing blood from there body. He looked like he'd know a few things about it. I walked over and asked, "Have you seen any vampires around lately?" He replied, "You idiot! I am a vampire!" I instinctively shoved a glob of soggy garlic bread down his throat. I was just going to make him suffer, but he died. I guess that particular vampire was allergic to garlic. One was enough for me, so I went around town eating all the Mexican food in sight. Too bad it wasn't all clean. I was bloated, tired, and needed to unwind. I began to walk down the dark streets in search of a hotel. I saw a Mexican walking in the other direction. I hailed him, "Hey! Carlos! Do you know where I can find a hotel?" He gave back, "My name isn't Carlos, sir, but there is a hotel just down the road!" I decided to trust him, but it was hard after that first lie. I had read that every Mexican was named Carlos, but he said he was not. Either he wasn't Mexican or he lied. That was Sunday night. For the next 6 days, I slept like a baby. It was quite terrible and confusing. I randomly awoke crying and desiring a bottle of milk. It must have been the Mexican food getting to my head. Last night, I got on a train, headed home, and went straight to bed.