Flex Pro - Dictated by Dr. James "The Hammer" Johnson, his doctorate was given back. - Typed by Josiah "The Screw Driver" Johnson

So, yesterday, I again did not post. Again, with perfect reason. I was tired. Get over it. So here is the first post out of the two today, and this one will make up for yesterday. So back in my glory days I was a bathroom attendant at Barnes & Noble. (What, they can't have bathroom attendants?) Every day, somebody would walk in needing to take a load off, and I would charge them to use towels, water, soap, and other things that should be free. Well one day, that all changed. *FLUSH* *WASH HANDS WITH SOAP AND WATER* *DRY HANDS WITH PAPER TOWELS* "How much do I owe you?" I replied, "What? You don't owe me anything! We haven't even met before!" He said, "Oh, thanks." Then he left. "Wait!" I shouted after him. "You forgot to pay the money you owe the store!" Too late. He was gone. The day went as normal for the next two hours, although I was shaking with fear, knowing that I would be in trouble for this little stunt. Then, the manager burst in. "WHAT RIGHT DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO GIVE PEOPLE WATER, SOAP, AND TOWELS FOR FREE?!" he shouted. "Over here, sir." He was shouting at the wall. He was never all there. "Oh, hi. Do you work here?" He was obviously deep into one of his novels, as he usually is. "Could you keep it down?" I said an inch from his face. "I'm trying to study, got a big Saturday test tomorrow." He replied, "Oh, alright, I'll leave you to your studying." I shot back, "DON'T START THIS!!" I was furious. I stormed out of the building, and decided to call back an hour later and quit work. What right did he have forcing me out of a job that way? So, I set out looking for a job. I found a thrift store that I'd never been in before, so I walked inside. "Hello." The man behind the register said. "You sold me those sombreros before, right?" "No," I replied, "you're not reading the blog correctly, I haven't been in here yet." He replied, "Oh, yeah. I must have not read that part. Well welcome to my humble abode." "You live in here?" I questioned. He replied, "No, what gave you that idea?" "That's what abode means." "Is it?" he asked me. "Yes." I said. He replied, "Oh, alright, then." I left that store. He wasn't worth my time. "Hey!" he yelled. "I am too worth your time!" I shot back, "Again, you're not reading the blog right! I didn't say that to you, I simply though it!" "Oh, okay! My bad!" No duh, his bad. So I continued into a suburban neighborhood. I saw a big white house, so I went inside. "Whoa!" a man said as he jumped back. "How did you get into my house?!" "The door was unlocked." "No it wasn't!" "Well it is, now. Get over it. Do you have any job openings here?" He asked, "Inside my house?" "No, in your back yard. Yes, inside your house!" I replied. "No! I don't have any job openings in my house! Now leave and lock the door behind you however you unlocked it!" I replied, "I doubt I can lock your front door with my Wonder Bar, but I'll try." I walked out the front door. I closed the door and place my Wonder Bar in, then pried in many directions and forms. After lots of work and bending, twisting, and cracking of his door, it became firmly locked in place. I bolted it shut for good measure, then did the same for every other door of his and barred his windows to be generous. I continued on to a dock. "Do you have any jobs?" I inquired as I snuck up on the docker. He jumped back into the water, then gathered himself to reply while treading water, "Sure. I'll give you a dollar if you get out of my face." I replied to his reply, "Well if that's measured by the hour, it's below minimum wage. And is this a full time gig or part time?" "Just leave!" "Well I have to know the hours and pay before I get right to work! And is there a payroll booth or do you pay me upfront? Does it matter where I leave to? Can I just go home and do whatever? What if there's an emergency and I have to come back to this dock during my job? Are there other people trying for the job? Do you need my resume before hiring, or do you just trust my leaving skills? Is there a uniform I have to wear? What if I just wear normal clothing, would that lower my pay, or could it raise my pay because you don't need to buy a uniform? Will you call me for random times to work, or are the hours set in stone? Do the authorities know that you're paying below minimum wage for leavers? Do I have to belong to certain political party before working for you? Do you know that I have to get time off on election day to vote for a president? Do I need to have welding skills for this job, or what about sewing skills? I can't sew. Do I need any ropes or chains for this job? What about pulleys, do I need pulleys?" He replied, "JUST SHUT UP! You can have a job. Just come in tomorrow at 6:00 A.M. and I'll tell you what to do. Okay?" "Sure thing, boss, I won't let you down!" I went home with a smile on my face, threw a new job party, kicked out the partiers, went to bed, the woke up at 7:30 A.M. and watched a Spongebob Squarepants marathon until 6:00 P.M. *RING, RING, RING* I answered, "Hello? What? What do you mean I'm fired? If you meant today, why did you say tomorrow? Sure, today was tomorrow yesterday, but let's live in the here and now! ...okay, I'm going to stop you there, you're confusing me deeply. Alright. Bye. See you at work tomorrow. I won't? Oh, right. Okay. Bye. See you at work. Oh, right. Okay. Bye. See you at... oh, right. Okay. See ya. Or not. Whatever." I hung up. I was out of a job. What have we learned? Don't trust dockers for work. People usually don't offer jobs inside their homes, either.