Snuggie - Dictated by Dr. James "James" Johnson, PhD Disclaimer: He is not a certified physician. - Typed by Josiah "Put it in My Pants!" Johnson

...And that's how I became a sex offender. Oh, hey! Well, now you've pretty much gotten to know me thoroughly. You're probably starting to wonder where this Underworld place is. Well, you may be surprised to know, it's smack dab in the middle of Wisconsin. I lied. I'll let you keep wondering, but, at the same time, you know it's not in Wisconsin, unless I lied again. I've told you about my escapades stealing sombreros and busting out of prison. Well, you may be surprised that I single-handedly fought off the Nazis in World War II. You may be even more surprised to know that that's a lie. I'm not that old, otherwise I would have. So, as I was watching my favorite movie, Elmo's Christmas Special, a ninja whipped out from behind me and demanded that I surrender or die. True story, as usual. His fighting skills were impeccable, and his sword was forged in the bowels of a factory in Pittsburgh. That would have been enough to kill me right there if it wasn't for the fact that his sword was crafted from lead - .002" thick lead, to be exact. Naturally, I pulled scissors from my pocket and snipped his sword in two. Then, I just stared at him with a look that pretty much screamed in his facial features, "You're an idiot!" As I stared at him, I said, "Really?" He looked at me in a pathetic manner. I slapped him. He hung his head in shame and vacated my dwelling. I giggled a little bit. After a spell, an immense craving for tacos began to build in the depths of my bowels. I walked outside, passing all seven of my perfectly good automobiles and hailed a taxi. That was just for fun. Then, I got in one of my seven automobiles and departed. I drove for 17 miles before I came to the next town over and purchased seven tacos, eighteen burritos, and I tried to order a McChicken, but they did not carry those. Apparently, only McDonalds is so blessed. So, I pulled up to the window, payed for my food, and I ate it before I pulled away from the drive-thru. I then burped in the attendant's face at the window. Then, I opened the cash register through the window and retrieved my money and departed the restaurant. Afterwards, I was on my way home when, suddenly, I found myself encircled by tanks. This would have been terrifying had there not been a tank show going on in town. However, it was terrifying because I forgot there was a tank show going on in town. Not remembering that fact, I jumped out of the car and removed each driver from his tank and personally delivered a whooping to his rear. Needless to say, they instantly thought it was a Nazi invasion. For this reason, I delivered yet another whooping to knock a little sense into them. After departing from the scene, I found myself dozing off and not paying attention to the road. I smashed right into a Peterbilt truck. Luckily, I possessed amazing ninja-like skills (not like the ninja I previously bestowed shame upon). Having such skills, I leaped from the car and punched the driver in the face as I flew through his windshield. I jacked his truck and drove to the nearest elementary school for an inspection. Oh, I forgot to tell you. I'm an elementary school inspector. As I entered the school, I could have sworn I saw a little child rolling a doobie. Unfortunately, it wasn't a doobie. It was a paper airplane. Thinking it was a doobie, I kicked the child, tossing him about 200 yards away. It was a big elementary school. It was also a blood bath. As I entered the music classroom, I took a couple sniffs and screamed aloud, "I BET SOMEBODY'S GROWING WEED IN HERE!" The music instructor looked startled especially since I was only two centimeters from her face when I screamed it. Naturally, I delivered a third whooping. I entered the back room of the music room and lone behold: weed. I looked back at her. Yup....tunic. Keep up on your Land of the Lost, children. It keeps you from getting whoopings.