ShamWOW! - Dictated by Dr. James "The Chair" Johnson, PhD Disclaimer: He is not a certified physician. - Typed by Josiah "The BIG Cheese" Johnson

So, this morning, as I lurked in the dark, damp shadows of the alleyways of the Underworld, I saw the best sombrero vendor in the history of sombrero vendors. Now, this vendor was very authentic. TRUE STORY: He had one of those patchy Mexican beards - like Greg's - and he was chugging queso dip to wash down the six enchiladas he had previously forced through his bowels. Now, I have to admit: he was very smelly, but, darn, he was authentic. So, I walked up and asked, "How much for a sombrero?" To which he replied, "35,000 ¥." (That is the Japanese symbol for yen.) His response obligated me to reply doggedly (that word does not fit, but, you know what they say, "If the phrase doesn't fit, JAM IT IN THERE!")...In case you're lost, I was replying doggedly, "What the french toast?!? You're a Mexican sombrero vendor! When are you ever going to get the money to fly to Japan?" The almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels he was holding explained it all. While he stared at me in a deep and drunken daze, I thought myself, "Kyle, grab a sombrero and skedaddle!" So, I initiated my dastardly battle plan. I reached out my hand and grabbed a sombrero. I instantly tripped. I was frightened, but relieved when I glanced over to come to the realization that he was still in a daze. I picked myself up and grabbed the sombrero, and then, I got greedy. I grabbed five more. I ran like the dickens! As I escaped the alley and into the streets of the Underworld, I saw another sombrero vendor. I paused and glanced upon his facial features. (I looked at his face.) Then, I looked in front of me, and I glanced back at him. This one was not in a daze. I kept walking. As I neared a thrift store on the corner of None Of and Your Business, I wondered, "How am I going to fit six whole sombreros on my scalp?" So, I entered the thrift store and sold five of them. My cash amount was now up to $2.86, 5 gold dubloons, and 3 ¥. At this point, you're probably rethinking your visit to this blog and, possibly, your life on this Earth in general. For those of you who are about to exit this window, you can shove your thumb in a blueberry pie! (Apple is okay too....really, any pie...just put your dang thumb in it!) For those of you who are realizing how incredibly scrumtrulescent my life is: kudos to you! I have no idea what 'kudos' means, but I'm pretty sure it's positive. If it's not, I apologize.