Quick Chop - Dictated by Dr. James "Water Polo" Johnson, PhD Disclaimer: He is not a certified physician. - Typed by Josiah "Land Polo" Johnson

Another day, another breath-taking story. I was walking, one night, along None Of Street, and I was a block from Your Business Avenue. I was working for Blockbuster as a cashier. I had a couple hours before work, so I went to Pete Ferguson's house. Who, you ask, is Pete Ferguson? At the time, I had no clue what so ever. But I went there, anyway. It was a big white house, over 100 years old, and he put hundreds of thousands of dollars into restoring it to perfect condition. I, however, thought it was ugly, and decided it could use some... adjustments. So, I broke out the old paint and brush, and began painting the place. I made it dark blue, textured on in absolutely inconsistent globs. I figured the windows needed repair. They weren't cracked or chipped, but I thought they should be on a house so old. I took a jackhammer to every window. Who knew they would shatter entirely out of the pane? I wonder-barred my way inside. I instantly noticed that the floor had a beautiful coat of light stain, but it didn't seem like the right shade for the house. I went to Home Depot and bought a gallon of dark brown stain, then bought an old electric sander at a thrift store. I, then, found that the electric motor didn't work. I decided, then, to buy a lawn mower engine to replace it, and made the conversion. I decided that the worn and tired sand paper on it wasn't good enough to strip the floor, so I made my own. I got a piece of cardboard, super glue, and beach sand. I actually went to the beach for it, found a partially used bottle of super glue in a trash can, and got the cardboard from the same can. I, then, glued the cardboard to the sander and glued sand to the cardboard. I took the rough sander to the house and began sanding. The paper tore big scratches and some small holes in the floor. On top of that, the engine had a hole right in the crank case, and drenched the room in oil. Once I finished sanding, I poured the gallon of stain on the floor and smoothed it a little with a broom. It was far too thick to dry correctly. Once I finished, I decided that the project wasn't worth the trouble, and the house was far too gone for repair, no matter how many improvements I'd made. I was five minutes late for work, so I walked to Blockbuster and took the shift. The manager stormed in angrily. "YOU REALLY HAVE THE AUDACITY TO COME IN LATE?! WITH YOUR HISTORY OF STUNTS LIKE THIS, THAT IS ONE THIN TIGHT ROPE TO WALK ON! YOU'RE FIRED!" I replied, "You'd think the thinner tight rope I walk, the more impressed people would be, and the more I'd be paid. You should be giving me a raise, not firing me!" He shot back, "YOU LITTLE BRAT, THAT'S NOT EVEN THE ANALOGY!! THE ROPE SNAPPED, YOU DIDN'T WALK IT!!" I said, "Well now I get it. Was that so hard?" I was, quite literally, kicked out. And that's how I lost that job.