Uglu - Dictated by Dr. James "Queen's Royal Navy" Johnson, PhD Disclamer: He is not a certified physician.- Typed by Josiah "Gut Goobering" Johnson

So it's been about 5 months since my last post. Since then I became a pirate off the coast of Canada, and not the new-age crap with AK-47s and speed boats. I'm the classic "Arg"-exclaiming, hook-handed, wooden sail boat pirate that the name is famous for. Sure, I don't have a crew, and sure, my boat may be a small fishing boat that someone threw out because of a leak that I fixed with bondo, and sure my sail may be made out of an old tarp with duct tape over the holes, and sure my hook may be from a costume shop, but that doesn't mean I'm not 100% authentic. So anyway, I was about 2 inches off the coast of Canada when a trash barge came by. Naturally being a pirate I wanted to get as much treasure off this ship and onto mine as I could. So, I rowed to the barge, tied my boat to a rope hanging off the side of the barge, and climed the rope to the goods. Once on top, I took three empty bottles of tooth paste, a three-legged chair, a crapload of old, rusty nails, all the plastic bags you could think of, and about 200 pounds of broken glass. Needless to say, it was a glorious find and you just couldn't beat the luxurious treasure I reaped. I got back on the ship, untied it, rowed to shore, and took the load to town. Luckily my ship has wheels from an old Honda on it, so I could take it ashore and tug it to wherever my buyer may be. So, I took the load to a thrift store. The man inside offered 25 cents for the three legged chair. I knew I was being undercut, so I persuaded him with my assertiveness to pay me more. "Please, please, please, please, I need the money, I have to eat somehow!" So, through my manly toughness and practically slaughtering him with my ice cold words, I managed to get 26 cents out of it. Next, I went to the recycler's. I managed $25 out of him for all the nails and the 200 pouns of glass, bringing my budget up to a hefty $25.26, basically billionaire status. I decided to donate the plastic bags to charity, so I threw them at a hobo as I walked past him. "What do you want me to do with this crap?! I have three houses and a fleet of European sports cars! You'd be lucky to get a cup of dirt for this!" His thanks seemed never ending. I replied, "Please, I don't need any imbursement, it's a gift." I continued on to McDonald's, the fanciest restaurant in all of Canada, to have a meal fit for a King. I waited inside until someone's order was ready. "Number 326!" It wasn't me, but I was quicker. I grabbed the food and ran. Once I was about 3 bites into the McChicken, the real owner of the food caught up with me. I was an easy five steps from the door of the restaurant, I don't know how he found me. He gave me the beating of a lifetime, but what he had failed to notice is that while he was wailng on me, I was finishing his meal. Once He was done, he grabbed the bag of food, saw it was empty, and continued to physically harm me. But when I awoke three days later from the uncontiousness, I felt fine. I was hungry, though, so I went back inside. This time I just went straight back into the kitchen and ate everything in sight, then ran out the back door and hitched a free ride in the luggage compartment of a bus. I slept most of the trip, although I occassionally woke up and ate all the snacks out of someone's bag. Once we arrived in Los Angeles, I think it's in Maine somewhere, I walked to the beach. Seeing someone's unmanned speedboat with the keys in it, I knew what I had to do. I took the boat far up the coast until I lost the owners, then I tied it off and casually walked into a gift shop. I took all the nik-naks that would fit in my arms and ran to boat. I outran the shopkeeper in my speedboat and went further up the coast. This was the life. What pirating is all about. Then once it ran out of gas I decided to hop a bus. I traded my pile of nik-naks for a bus ticket and rode back to Canada. After getting home and finding my boat, I went out to sea. Then, I reached into my pocket to get a look at that loot I made days before. Aparently the McDonald's guy took it all.... so there I was, I had gained nothing but the stench of garbage on my boat. Overall it was pretty successful. The moral of the 100% facual story? Don't be a pirate in Canada!