Friday, August 13, 2010
Goofy Bands - Dictated by Dr. James "Lolly Gag" Johnson, PhD Disclamer: He is not a certified physician.- Typed by Josiah "I Hate Nicknames" Johnson
Yesterday's story ended with me at home after escaping the dungeon owned by the infamous NYPD gang, an acronym for New York Peace Destroyers. My Lincoln was in the impound missing the passenger seat and I had missed a day of work at Enterprise. I got a call. It was long, boring, and just took forever to get to the point. It went exactly like this, "You're fired." It took me a lot of patience to get through the grueling elongated message, but after about forever it finally ended. Being out of a job and practically broke, I needed to find another source of income. I decided to do the unthinkable. Get caught up in crime. I went to the back of the NYPD impound and jumped the fence, then found a Lincoln the same year as mine, removed the passenger seat, then installed it in mine and started it up with my spare key. As soon as the engine roared to life I was in trouble, as one of the gang bangers had noticed and had his gun on me. I floored it and slammed through the gate, then went home. Once I arrived, I noticed a note taped to my front door. It read, "I'm a note on your door. Read me." It was fascinating. I then proceeded to my back yard and picked up a stick off the ground. I took it out front, then the first person I saw got a beating for their money. Unfortunately, I saw a mirror as soon as I got outside, so I ended up with quite a few bumps and bruises. I decided to hit the hay after a long day of mugging. The next morning I awoke and got into my car to head to a convenient store to rob. I walked right inside, then said "Give me the money!" The guy behind the register looked at me kind of funny, then asked, "Do you have a gun?" "Of course not!" I exclaimed, "I'm not some kind of hooligan!" "Well I do, and you better leave now if you don't want me to call the NYPD on you." I left, then as I drove I thought about what he had said... was he affiliated with their gang? It's a sad day when a simple convenient store has to be in cahoots with a dirty low life gang like them for protection. Then I realised, I suck at being a crime lord. The answer wasn't one I liked, but I was out of options. I went right to the NYPD and marched inside, then said to the man at the desk, "I'd like to join your gang." He laughed at me rather menacingly. Little did he know that this seemingly innocuous act would result in his imminent death. Needless to say, I declared a gang war upon him. I went outside and got into my Lincoln. (The car...not the dead president) As I was driving down the sidewalk, I realized the consequences of my actions when a gangmobile rolled out around the corner in front of me. Since, he was obviously embarking on a quest to slaughter me, I floored it and slammed into his driver's side passageway. It was obvious that I had paralyzed him until he got out and walked. It must have been a miracle. He walked right up to my door and handed me a menacing device....a slip of paper he referred to as a "ticket." He obviously wanted me to eat it, but, of course, I realized it was poisoned just by looking at it, so I told him I wasn't hungry. But the truth was that I was very hungry, so I gave in and ate it right there. Realizing that I would die if it went down, I quickly choked it up onto his shoe, then popped the car into reverse and put the pedal to the metal, narrowly escaping his clutches. I pulled the emergency brake while simultaneously turning and shifting into drive, then pushed it back in and floored it once the car had turned 180 degrees. He fired shots at my back window, strangely holding the gun upright and not on its side like any gang banger would. I wondered if he was a double agent, or if he was in disguise as an ordinary man. After about a minute, three gangmobiles slided out behind me from a corner with their ridiculous strobe lights engaged. At this point I noticed that they were probably there to induce a seizure on opponents of theirs who were epileptics. It was a sick weapon to use, but that's just the way of the gangster. As the game of cat and mouse raged on, I noticed that their cars had much better performance than mine, because they were falling behind only slightly and they were obviously the worst drivers I'd ever seen. After five minutes of weaving through traffic, I got onto the highway, then I saw that it overpassed another highway. If I could somehow get onto that highway, which had no road connection in sight to the one I was on, then I would lose the gangmobiles. So, as I was rolling along the overpass, I leaped from my car's window and landed on the top of a semi. I thought I would swiftly jump out the window and roll onto the roof of the truck as would be expected in any fiction story, but being 100% reality, I broke every bone in my body and I was lucky to be alive. Fortunately for me, I had a wolverine-like way of healing in only seconds, so the pain lasted only shortly. I then swung down the side of the truck and kicked through the cab window, pushing the driver out in the process, then drove the truck down the highway. Then I woke up. Apparently I fell asleep at the wheel the second I turned the engine on in the Lincoln, and I was now back in their dungeon. Darn!
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